I got to FaceTime our babies yesterday. They are so beautiful and so strong. Poppy was asking for you again. I wish I could be there with them, holding them, and crying with them. Kimbre and Sandy are taking such good care of them.
Additionally, JaVan and Richard are also coming by. Liam and Richard built a welcome home sign for us. Yesterday they went to Nature’s Classroom and got to play with their friends. Sarah sent me some great videos and pictures. I’m so glad they can be kids and run and play.
I woke up this morning and had forgotten. I rolled over, but you weren’t there, so I went to text you. Then it all came crashing down. You were always the one who supported me in challenging situations, like when I got Covid and had heart problems, or with my anxiety and insecurities. You knew me better than anyone. You knew how intensely introverted I am and how much energy it took to be extroverted at work or around people. You always helped me recharge my batteries. Physical touch was not your love language, but you knew it was mine. When I would feel anxious or beaten down, I’d feel your fingers intertwined with mine, or you would just lean on me. You always kissed me and patted me on the rear when I left for work. You were ok with me always needing some form of physical contact when I was with you, even just my hand resting against your leg. I don’t know how to stop the breakdowns and panic attacks without you. They come from nowhere. It hurts. It hurts so bad. You’re pain-free and can breathe now, but it hurts so much.
I’ve had so many people reach out—people I’ve never met who knew you growing up, people I haven’t seen or spoken to in over 20 years. There is so much love pouring in from all of these fantastic people. You are so loved. Your kindness and heart touched so many lives. How do I inspire our children to be more like you without you here? I need your guidance. You are the other half of my soul. I feel so incomplete without you.
Katja and Hubert have been amazingly supportive. They will pick up your Uncle Tom from the airport, then go to the funeral home to start the transportation paperwork. I’m sorry I didn’t go with them. I just want to lie in bed with your sweater and hairbrush. They still smell like you. I gave Katja your Happy Earth shirt and your favorite yoga pants. I don’t have any fancy clothes for you, but I know you’ll be comfy. I also gave her your hot air balloon socks. You used to pull the socks over your pants like a beautiful weirdo. Felicity does that now, too. Everything hurts. I need you. I miss you.
I have to keep stopping and starting, but I don’t want to quit because I don’t know how else to communicate with you. Lilli and Jona helped Katja make lasagna last night. I know how super protective we are of Lilli, but I’ve gotten to know Jona a little over the past few days. He seems to be a good young man. I can see how much he cares for Lilli and her family. Also, Hubert and Bruno like him, so that’s a plus. I may take Bruno for a little walk today. I should probably get some fresh air.
How do I move through this life without you? We were supposed to grow old together. My soul aches for you. I need to drink more water because I keep crying and breaking down. Molly says it takes time, and I know she’s right. It hurts so much. You are my hero. You are such an inspiration for kindness. I thank the heavens every day because you chose me. You chose me to love. I want to be selfish and keep your love for me, but you have enough to share with the world. You chose me when you said I do. You picked me every time we brought a new life into this world. You chose me every day. I believe I will see you again. I wish that were today.