I keep thinking you’ll text me and say you’re all done at the hospital and ready to be picked up. I want to picture you happy and pain-free, but all I can see is you in that damn hospital bed. That last image I have of you sears through my mind. I don’t want to remember you like that. You were so full of life. You were such a crunchy hippy, and not many people knew it. You found peace just standing barefoot in the yard or knee-deep in the river.
Your Uncle Tom and Katja are doing an incredible job helping me navigate this wildly complicated process of bringing you home. I’m hoping to come home Saturday to see the kids, but I’m also torn between staying here until you can go home and leaving you. It hurts so much when I think about leaving you. Molly and Rachel said you would want me to go home to the babies. They’re right. Tom will stay until everything is done, and you can return home to us.
Kimbre is taking the kiddos to Hagerstown for a couple of days. Molly is meeting with Amy Rau so the kids can play with Grady. They will enjoy that. I miss you so much. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your tears. I miss your stern looks when I was being a dummy. You were always so quick to forgive me. I was always bad at understanding subtle hints, and you were always patient with me, minus the eye rolls. We weren’t perfect, and we had our arguments, but we rarely went to bed upset with each other. We tried so hard to hash out things and not let them fester. We made a pretty good team. It was you and me against the world.
You made such an impact on so many people. I wish you knew. I have received so many heartfelt prayers and condolences from many people. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m the only one hurting this badly, but then I remember how much you are loved. We are all broken without you. It hurts so much. Where do I send this endless love I have for you? I just want to hold you one last time. I just want one more kiss. My heart aches for you.
Tom, Lilli, Jona, and I went to Linda’s house for coffee and cake. The cake was locally made and so good. You would have loved the chocolate. Unfortunately, I had a breakdown and had to leave. I hope Linda wasn’t offended. I’m scared to go home and be in the house without you. I received a notification that your shower stool has arrived at the house. You were having a great deal of trouble standing for very long. I will see if someone in the buy-nothing group needs it. That group has also been incredibly supportive; they love you so much.
Baby, I miss you every second of every minute. The path ahead is so scary without you. You are my person. How can you be gone?