I’m not sure how to move forward. You are my anchor. I thought I had prepared myself for this over the last few years. When I close my eyes, I see you in that hospital bed. Everything hurts without you next to me. I reached for you when I woke up this morning. I don’t know how to exist without you. You are my everything. How do I raise our babies without you? I just want to see your smile one more time. I just want to hold you. I want this to be a nightmare I can wake up from. You were always the strong one. I used your pillow last night to pretend you were next to me. I miss you so much. I’ve never gone this long without talking to you. You always knew what to say. I know you’re at peace and watching, but I hurt so badly. I can’t stop crying. You were the one who always comforted me when there was pain or loss. I was only strong because you made me strong. I feel so alone. I feel so afraid. I feel so selfish for still wanting you to be here. I feel so much self-loathing for taking you off the oxygen. I know you’re pain-free, but I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for not pushing back when you wanted to come to Germany. There will always be so many what-ifs. Everything hurts.
I am so lucky to have been chosen by you. To have received your love. I was so undeserving. I still am. When we met at Wilderness Adventure, I didn’t understand you. I didn’t understand how someone could be full of so much genuine kindness. After that day, I spoke to you every day for over 13 years. We didn’t miss a day, even if it was a quick text exchange. You have been on my mind every day since we met. What do I do now? This hole in my chest is too big. It hurts. I miss you. I miss you. I love you.